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Dec. 13, 2018
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Vinnie Mendes On the Water

The great parasail invasion

A parasail is a specially cut parachute that is designed to be towed behind a boat in the fashion of water skis, except instead of being on the surface of the water you’re at the end of a tow rope about 150 feet above it! Back in the early 1980s very few people had seen or even heard about a parasail until one was featured in a James Bond movie. (I may have mentioned that my brother owns a marina and bar on the Jersey Shore that is THE place to go in the summertime and during the winter attracts a faithful gang of locals somewhat similar to the old “Cheers.”) 
 
The gang at the marina saw the movie and we all thought it would be a cool toy to play with. My brother Hank and I were both single at the time, so we thought it would also be a way to attract members of the opposite sex.
 
We located an outfit in California that made parasails and ordered one. It seemed to take forever to arrive and when it finally got there it was the beginning of April and the water was still pretty cold. Since I was the only one with a wetsuit that fit me, I as chosen to take the first flight.
 
Now commercial parasail outfits have specially adapted boats that have a wide platform to stand on during takeoff and landing, and a winch to retrieve the flier (or sailer) at the end of the flight so they never get their feet wet. Since we didn’t have such a vessel, we had to take off from a beach facing directly into the wind, while three people hold the chute open, the tow boat accelerates, and you theoretically take off much like a water skier, except that you’re standing on the beach. At the end of the flight, the boat simply slows and you gently drift down into the water … theoretically.
 
We studied the instruction manual intently, then located a suitable launching site on a nearby island. On a bright Sunday afternoon we all went out to where the great event was going to take place. It took two trips in our 19-foot Boston Whaler since in addition to the launch crew we had about 15 spectators who wanted to be part of the action.
 
On the first attempt I was dragged across the beach stopping just short of the water. On the second try I was dragged into the water (and it WAS cold!) On the third attempt, the tow rope came taut, I took three steps and was airborne! WOW! I shot up into the sky like a rocket! What an ethereal experience! 
 
In total silence I could look down on everything for miles around. I was suspended under the parasail, snugly strapped into the harness, flying above the startled seagulls and I could clearly see the river bottom with the sand bars, seaweed and even an occasional sunken boat below me. Now for the tricky part: the happy landing. As the tow boat decelerated I came gently down into the water and they cast off the tow rope and circled around to pick me up.
 
We went back to the launch site and everyone thought I was a celebrity, however undeserving. After a couple of beers, we decided to take another flight. The takeoff went much more smoothly than the first and I was beginning to feel that we could do this as regular entertainment sending the entire gang aloft once the weather got warmer. As I confidently sailed along 150 feet above the water, I noticed that my brother Tim, driving the boat, was not paying attention to the channel markers and was heading into shallow water. I tried signaling and yelling as loud as I could to no avail and the next thing I knew the boat ran aground stopping instantly.

Now a parasail is designed to hold a person aloft while being towed forward. When the forward towing force stops, it does not have enough lift to keep the person up and comes down like a stone! This wouldn’t have been a problem if we had been over deep water, but it was my luck to land in 18 inches of water on a top of a sandbar! OOF! I gave it the classic parachute landing hitting with my feet, ankles, knees, hips and shoulders and rolling to absorb the shock, but it still feels like I’m two inches shorter than I used to be!
 
We decided to call it a day and headed back to the launch site to pick up the gang, only to find two Marine Police boats waiting for us. They had gotten about a dozen phone calls from concerned citizens reporting everything from a plane crash to a paratrooper invasion! (This happened to be during the Falkland Islands War when Argentina invaded the British owned islands in the south Atlantic). We told them we weren’t Argentinians, we were Pollocks which seemed to satisfy them, but then they wanted to inspect the boat to see if we had enough life vests. When everyone told them that the gang had been ferried there in two trips they let us alone.
 
Now back to the marina and bar for a handful of Advils washed down with copious amounts of Irish Coffee! 
 
 
 
 
Mendes has been sailing all his life and on Lake Lanier for the past 25 years. His family owns a marina/bar/restaurant so he has plenty of real life experiences to draw from. His favorite line: “You can’t make this stuff up.”





November 2018 column

Being judgemental has consequences

One of my faults (although I prefer to call them “character traits”) is that I’m  prone to prejudge people when I first meet them and therefore probably miss out on a lot.
 
One incident that comes to mind occurred years ago when I owned a 40-foot wooden yawl. She was built of cedar planks over oak ribs in the Lawley yard at Neponset, Mass. in 1916. Of course she required a bit of maintenance and each year spent some time hauled out in the shipyard. During one of these haulouts I was taking a break and sitting around BS-ing with some of the ship’s carpenters, when this one old guy says “I went sailing once and I’ll never do it again.” All I could think of was “Here comes another boring story about how the boat heels too much or it’s too much work or the wind died etc, etc.” 
 
But when he explained that he had gotten a job oystering aboard a 70-foot skipjack in the Chesapeake my ears perked up! As a student at the University of Maryland I had worked oystering on the Chesapeake during one summer “break.” 
 
He said that on his first day on the boat, as they sailed home with a full catch he, “the new kid” was given the helm with the advice “mind the nets.” It seemed simple. You just turn the wheel and the boat goes anywhere you want while the crew adjusts the sails. He didn’t notice any nets around.
 
Now in the shallow areas of the Chesapeake there used to be a lot of what were called “gill nets” or “pound nets,” that is long fishing nets strung between poles driven into the bottom. They had a funnel shaped entrance, so the fish swam into them at high tide and couldn’t find their way out. At low tide, fishermen would come by and simply scoop up the trapped fish. They weren’t very visible at flood high tide. 
 
Since he didn’t know to look out for them, he soon sailed the boat right into the middle of one.  The skipjack came to a sudden stop with a jolt and the splintering of wood! One of the submerged poles had punched up thru the hull amidships!
 
You can imagine how scared the new guy was thinking the boat would sink and it was all his fault. But the rest of the crew sprang into action just like a NASCAR pit crew. They dropped the jib and unsnapped it from the forestay, then two of them hauled it under the bow of the boat pulling it back to where the pole pierced the hull, as a third man kept tension on the jib sheets from the bow, thus keeping the sail taut as it was dragged under the hull.

(The pole was acting as a cork keeping most of the water from rushing in and sinking the boat). Meanwhile the skipper sawed off the protruding end of the pole flush where it came through the hull, then hit it a mighty blow with a sledge hammer which drove it out of the hole, and before much water could rush in, the crew pulled the jib farther aft thus sealing the hole! (His job had been to man the bilge pump.)
 
Then they backed the mainsail and by shifting weight and fending off the rest of the poles they got free of the gill net and sailed home. Needless to say, the next day he was looking for another job that didn’t involve boats or oysters.
 
This is absolutely my favorite “sea disaster” story, heard first hand from a participant, and I had almost missed it! You never know what you can learn by keeping your mouth shut and your ears open!

 
October 2018 column


Let there be lighthouses!

Lighthouses have always enthralled me. Starting with the Pharos of Alexandria, which was one of the wonders of the ancient world and guided ships safely into harbor for hundreds of years until it was finally toppled by an earthquake, up to modern times when they’ve been made obsolescent by Radar, GPS and SATNAV.
 
I grew up literally in the shadow of the Twinlights of Navesink, which at 209 feet above sea level is the highest point on the Atlantic coast for 1,000 miles each way. (There are higher places inland, but they cannot be seen from the open ocean.) The Twinlights are composed of two towers set about 50 yards apart so as to form a “range,” i.e. when you line them up, you can plot a course directly thru the Verrazano Narrows channel and into New York harbor. From the top of either tower you can see the torch of the Statue of Liberty, which is also considered a lighthouse as her full name is “Liberty Enlightens the World.”
 
As a 5-year-old I remember my father, who was friends with the lighthouse keeper, took me up into the South tower which had the larger of the two lights. I recall seeing this gigantic array of glass lenses and thinking  “Gee, this thing is so big, I could stand upright inside of it!” Several years ago I revisited the lighthouse museum where the lens is on display and you know, it’s still so big, I can still stand upright inside of it!
 
A word about lighthouse lenses: They were developed by Fresnel, a French engineer in Napoleon’s army who was put in charge of the lighthouse service in the early 1800s. He assembled a series of lenses that would concentrate the beam of light horizontally instead of shining out in all directions, sort of like an early form of laser. The most powerful ones go up to 9,000,000,000 candle power and are called “First Class.” They include Boston Light, Fire Island Light, Barnegat Light (which was designed by none other than Robert E Lee as a young engineering officer right out of West Point), Cape Hatteras Light and the Twinlights of Navesink. The beams of these lights were so powerful that they could be seen 22 miles out to sea, and were actually extinguished during WWII to keep German submarines from making accurate landfalls from 22 miles offshore.
 
Each light has a unique phase, or time sequence when it alternates between lighted and dark. Some also have different colors or various combinations of colors, allowing seamen to tell which light they are looking at. This is usually accomplished by having the lens or combination of lenses rotate at a set speed. 
 
My favorite light is located atop the cliffs at Gay Head on the western end of Martha’s Vineyard Island, Mass. The place got its name hundreds of years ago because of the brilliantly colored clays in the cliffs, (I’m sure there is a group somewhere collecting signatures to have the name changed because it may offend someone.) This light has a rotating set of lenses that flash red, dark, white, dark, green, dark, white, dark every minute or so. When you lay underneath it on the grass on a misty night, each beam of light looks like the malevolent gaze of some primordial monster scanning the sea looking for prey!
 
Here on Lake Lanier we have our own beloved lighthouse at channel marker 5FB on the southern shore of Aqualand Marina. Many years ago I met a fellow whose family used to own Aqualand and he told me how the lighthouse came into being: When a small airplane crashed into the lake, he had the only barge big enough to carry a crane to pull it out of the water. When asked what he would charge for the job, he said nothing, he just thought it would be an interesting project. As he was chatting with the airplane owner he mentioned that his biggest problem were the waves that come rolling in from the “Atlanta Ocean” which, when the wind is out of the west, start building up in Cumming and by the time they reach Aqualand, they play havoc tossing  the boats and docks around.

The Corps of Engineers said he could build a breakwater but the cost was prohibitive. The plane owner happened to own a cement company. He said “What you need is Haulbacks.” He then explained that a cement truck holds about nine cubic yards of concrete, and if a job only uses seven yards they have to haul the remainder back to the plant and dump it. Sometimes it is used to make the huge blocks you see as barriers during construction on highways, or various other things but most of the time the excess concrete is simply dumped. He told my friend that if he would set up the forms for the blocks, he could have all the concrete he could use!

That is how the breakwater came into being. Once it was finished, the Corps told him to “Put a light on it.” He figured he had invested so much work in building the breakwater that the light should have a little class. Thus he designed and built the lighthouse you see there today. It is not only decorative, but also lets mariners know where they are on Lanier, which after dark, is just as confusing (and sometimes forbidding) as the open ocean. In addition, it has the distinction of being the highest lighthouse east of the Mississippi, including the Great Lakes!
 
The sequel to this is that once the lighthouse was built, the Corps got on him for building a structure on Corp property without a permit. He countered with ”Hey, you told me to put a light on it, so I put a light on it!”
 
September 2018 column

Champagne for the Baron

Years ago our friend Ray was retiring to the Caribbean. I was extremely jealous as he was a lot younger than me and had a bunch more money. 
 
He and his wife bought a 36 foot sailboat and after several months outfitting it, they headed south. Now the Cruising Club of America holds a race each year from Norfolk VA to the Bitter End Yacht Club on Virgin Gorda, and they decided to enter. Since CCA’s main priority is safety, they require all participants to attend interminable safety lectures, have the proper safety equipment on board and undergo an inspection of their boat before being allowed to race. Since he had conned my brother Hank into sailing with them, I had arranged a business trip to Norfolk to see them off. I also brought my Scuba gear to scrub off and inspect their bottom before the race.

When I arrived, they were freaking out because they were running out of money! The cash and travelers’ checks they brought was almost gone and no one in Norfolk would cash an out of state check. Meanwhile they needed a lot more equipment than they had planned on and the marina was a $20 cab ride from the nearest hardware store, supermarket, etc. I suggested they get a low end rental car for the week to solve the transportation problem. Then I checked with a friend who was a bank manager, who suggested that since they had an Amex card, they go to the American Express Office, where there was a record of their signature and they could cash a check. 
 
Meanwhile I dove under the boat to clean the bottom, with about 6” visibility in the murky water, and noticed that the front end of the keel seemed to be slightly separated from the boat, not enough to slip my dive knife in but maybe the thickness of a playing card. I figured that the keel bolts had started to work loose, and I told Ray. He freaked out again saying that the caulking was clear silicone and you were supposed to see through it. Also the race was to start the next day so he refused to haul it out for an inspection. Since it was his boat and I had registered my concern, I let the matter drop.
 
They arrived in Virgin Gorda, and sitting at anchor one of the crew members put on a mask and snorkel and dove under the boat. He came up all excited insisting everyone hop in the water as he had something to show them. There in the crystal clear water they could all see that the front of the keel had separated about six inches from the hull for about two feet back. Ray freaked out again (I think this was his usual state of mind), planning to get towed over to St John’s for a haulout. At this point Hank, who owns a marina, and has experience dealing with freaked out boat owners, pointed out that they were going to have to learn how to be resourceful to survive in the Caribbean. He pointed out a 175 foot yacht named the “GITANA” anchored across the harbor. He said there probably wasn’t a bolt on their engine that was smaller than 50mm. “Why don’t you row over and ask to borrow a socket set?”
 
Ray did just that and within an hour the keel was back where it should be with the bolts all properly tightened and locked down. He was going to return the tools when he decided he should show his appreciation in some small way. They had won a bottle of Tattinger’s champagne at a trivia contest the night before, so he took that. When he rowed back to his boat he had a strange look on his face. Hank asked what was wrong and he said the fellow had just given him a strange look and said something that sounded like “Merde.”
 
A couple of months later I was reading in a sailing magazine that the Baron Rothschild (yes, THAT Baron Rothschild) was touring his vineyards in the Caribbean aboard his 175 foot yacht the “GITANA.” 
 
All I could think of is “Merde.”


August 2018 column

The wandering dock

One of my best friends is Harry. The two of us are really the “Odd Couple.” He came from a northwestern state where you are almost born in the saddle and he knows everything there is to know about riding in rodeos and punching cows. I came from the Jersey shore, where my family owns a marina so I know an awful lot about boats and docks. We share the common bond of having escaped from the north, where in the middle of February, we’d be lying on our bellies in a crawl space, trying to thaw out frozen pipes with a propane torch.  Needless to say, we never looked back! When I am asked “If you were in jail at 3 o’clock in the morning and you had to call a friend to bail you out, who would it be?” it wouldn’t be him. He’d be there right beside me saying “Man, wasn’t that hot s##t!”
 
A few years ago he acquired a nice fishing boat, complete with 100 hp outboard, rod holders, trolling motor, stereo system, beer cooler, etc. (i.e. everything you need to catch fish on Lake Lanier.) Now the lake level has been down for the past few years, so Harry just let his dock sit on the bottom and did not think much about it. Evidently he didn’t know that you have to leave the cables that raise and lower the spuds (the iron pipes that hold the dock in place) loose when the lake comes up. Otherwise the spuds come up with the dock, and the dock is no longer attached to the bottom of the lake. It is now at the mercy of whichever way the wind blows.
 
Evidently this is what happened. I got a call one morning asking to help tow it back from where it wound up at the state park across the lake.  His boat was tied up on the dock, but the battery was out of it and the motor had been winterized, so we got into my old Tartan 36 sailboat and headed across the lake. Now the Tartan is a racing boat and she draws seven feet of water. When we got within about 30 feet of the dock, THUMP, we ran aground! After backing off, I got out a grappling hook and we managed to throw it across to the dock and pull it out to where we could secure it to the boat and tow it back where it belonged.
 
After that, each morning I’d look out the kitchen window as lake level rose. I would see his dock across the cove. One morning I looked out and something was missing … the dock. I called him up and when his wife answered I said  ”Do you know something I don’t know or has your dock gone on walkabout again?” She looked out the window, muttered the words that go with SOB, and then then with the phone muffled, ”HARRY”!
 
We spent the next several days motoring around the lake looking for the runaway dock with binoculars to no avail. I mentioned that it must have wound up on a park or an island because if it was in someone’s back yard they would take the number off the dock permit and call the Corps of Engineers to find out who owned it. He said there was a slight problem there because he thought his wife had renewed the permit and she thought he had. Then I said they would take the number off the bow of the boat and call the DNR and get his name. He said that was also a problem because when he bought the boat there was still two years left on the registration sticker, so he hadn’t bothered to change the title. After that I kept my ideas to myself.
 
We spent several days looking everywhere with my Tartan, but were constrained by the seven foot draft and the 50 foot mast so we couldn’t get into shallow areas or under electrical wires or bridges. Finally, he borrowed a power boat from another neighbor and did some more looking to no avail. Then one morning I woke up and there was the dock, back in our cove, within 100 yards of where it was supposed to be. I ran down and secured it so it couldn’t escape again and later that day we pulled it back where it belonged. This time I secured it with a steel cable to an iron spike in the shore as well as the spuds. 
 
All we could think of was that it had drifted just around the point into another cove, and we had missed it on all of our searched because it was right under our noses. But like Little Bo Peep’s lost sheep, it came back on its own, wagging its tail behind it!

July 2018 column

Happy Birthday, USA!

We live in the best country in the world, and I invite anyone who doubts that to spend some time anywhere else. I don’t mean a week in Cancun or Venice. Get off the beaten path for six months or so and meet some of the real people. I lived in Spain for two years while in the Navy, and got to know the country and people very well. It will make you really appreciate what we have here in the USA. Fourth of July, our nation’s birthday, is one of my favorite holidays and Lake Lanier is a great place to celebrate it with its many parks, beaches, warm water and competing fireworks displays everywhere you look.
 
However the Fourth of July I remember best was in 1986 when it coincided with the rededication of the Statue of Liberty. (She had been falling into disrepair over the past 100 years and had been completely refurbished). This was also the weekend of Operation Sail (OPSAIL), a gathering of Tall Ships from all around the world, some of which were over 370 feet long and 100 years old. We were represented by the US Coast Guard’s bark “Eagle” among others. 
 
I lived up north at the time and my brother owned a marina with a bar and restaurant which was THE happening place on the Jersey Shore. At the time we had the use of an 85-foot tugboat (that’s another story) and we decided to get a crew together and take the tug up to NY harbor to view the festivities. In preparation, we took the entire sound system from the restaurant and mounted it on the top deck of the tug with the big speakers facing outward. This was when Springsteen had just come out with his “Born in the USA” CD so we had that as well as a bunch of John Phillip Sousa, Tchaikovsky’s 1812 and other patriotic music. I had acquired a gigantic American flag, like you usually see flying above the car dealerships. It was too big for the tug’s mast so I lashed a windsurfer mast on top. We loaded food, refreshments and about 55 friends on board and headed north.
 
Approaching the harbor was a surreal experience, with the Tall Ships in the distance, appearing out of the morning mist. As we got closer, we were able to make out the aircraft carrier USS John F Kennedy, where we actually saw President Reagan coming aboard.  A series of six helicopters landed and took off in quick succession, then the band struck up “Hail to the Chief.” We knew who had arrived! We also saw Malcolm Forbes aboard his yacht “The Highlander,” complete with its helicopter pad.
 
Then we approached South Street Seaport, which is a tourist area of restaurants and shops  restored to the way the harbor looked 100 years ago. It also has many old steam ships and sailing ships and a pedestrian boardwalk running for a mile or so along the waterfront. As we cruised past with Springsteen blasting through the enormous speakers, the throngs of people on the boardwalk were all dancing to our music! (We were later told that we made it onto the six o’clock news). 
 
Finally came the fireworks display which was truly the best I have ever seen. It was simulcast with patriotic music by a local radio station. (Google: Statue of Liberty Centennial Fireworks.) Once the festivities were over there was the usual mad melee of boats rushing to get home to New Jersey, Connecticut, Long Island and Atlantic City. Most were piloted by idiots who had a bit too much to drink. Remember, this is New York Harbor, with strong currents, ships, barges and ferry boats going in all directions. 
 
Add several thousand pleasure boats under the cover of darkness and you have a recipe for disaster! We chose to stay at anchor for awhile until the crowd thinned out. By the time we finally got under way the fog had closed in. We didn’t have radar (GPS wasn’t a thing yet) so we got a chance to navigate back using the chart, compass and aids to navigation such as fog horns and bell buoys just like 100 years ago. 
 
Our father (“The Old Man”) was back at the marina and was worried that we hadn’t returned yet. He drove to the bridge and was peering out into the fog trying to get a glimpse of us. As we approached, we cranked up the music not only to let the bridge tender know we were coming, but to wake up our sleeping passengers. He said that although he couldn’t see us, as soon as “Stars and Stripes Forever” started blasting out, the drawbridge bells began ringing and red lights flashing to stop traffic as the bridge opened for us. Finally he saw our running lights coming eerily out of the fog.
 
It’s hard to top a celebration like that, but as each year passes and we once again honor our nation’s birthday all I can think to say is “God Bless America” ... and if I have offended anyone by saying that, I’m glad!

June 2018 column

Rule No. 1: Stay on the boat

In my 60 plus years of sailing, I have had people go overboard three times. Each time they have only been separated from the boat for a minute of two, but the experiences have been harrowing enough that I don’t want to repeat them.  So each time we have new passengers aboard I explain that Rule No. 1 is STAY ON THE BOAT! Following that rule, I go over “One hand for the ship, one hand for yourself,” lifelines, hand rails, life preservers etc. Then I review what to do if someone does go overboard. (I do this keeping in mind that I might be that someone). Some people feel intimidated by this but I’d rather have a funny story than a disaster. 
 
I remember one time when we had a party cruise on my old 35 foot S&S Weekender. We were coming into the harbor sailing thru the mooring field, when one of the passengers up forward got up and started unsteadily walking aft. I called “Hang onto something, Wally” about two seconds before he tumbled over the leeward side. 
 
I yelled “Man Overboard” and before I could reach for the life ring, he was just abeam of me. I let go of the tiller and grabbed for him, getting him by the collar. Immediately there were several other people with hands on him, and I got back to the tiller because we were in close quarters in the middle of all the moored boats. We secured a line around him and got the rope ladder overboard. All the time he was yelling “Hurry up, you guys, I gotta go to the head.” He was so drunk he couldn’t fall overboard and tinkle at the same time!
 
The most memorable one happened up north on one of those rare days in February, when the temperature soars to about 60 degrees even though there are still some ice floes on the river. The sun was shining through the few high clouds and it was a great day to be alive! We were all sitting out on the deck that extends out over the water in front of the bar, and someone mentioned it would be a nice day to go for a sail. Since my Dufour 24 was the only boat still in the water, six of us piled on. 
 
The outboard motor had been taken off to be stored in the garage for the winter. But the wind and tide were in opposite directions, so I wasn’t worried about getting in and out of the slip without power. One of the passengers was our old friend Paula, who was a dear person, but the “last of the flower children.” (I think she had taken too many drugs back in the ’60s). She had a new boyfriend and was trying to impress him, and he was doing the same, even though neither of them knew a thing about sailboats. We had a beautiful sail until on one tack I said “ready about,” and getting “ready” replies from everyone, cut the helm.

Now Paula had been lying on the cabin top on the windward side of the boat looking up at the clouds. As the boat heeled over the other tack, she rolled right across the cabin top and under the lifelines. Immediately the cry ”Man Overboard” went out! Someone threw her a cushion and we went off on a broad reach, quickly tacked and were back to her in no time at all. Now Paula was a BIG girl, and didn’t really need the life preserver as she had enough buoyancy to float at about waist level. But the water was cold and we wanted to get her out ASAP. We got the rope ladder over the side but she didn’t have the upper body strength to pull herself up, and we couldn’t haul on her arms without hurting her. As I was figuring how to rig a sling to the main halyard, we ran aground on a sandbar. 
 
Now she really freaked out, but since the boat only drew three feet of water, I yelled “Paula, put down your feet and stand up,” which she did to laughter all around. Two of us hopped over the side and boosted her back aboard to warm up in the cabin. Then we pushed to boat off the sandbar and sailed back to the marina for Irish coffees all around.
 
Author’s note: All the occurrences and characters in this story are true. Only the names have been changed to protect the guilty. Any similarity between these characters and any persons living or dead is a dirty shame!

May 2018 column

Captain Vinnie and the wet bridesmaids

I work as a sailing charter captain on Lake Lanier and it’s always fun to get out on the water to meet new people and enjoy new experiences. Usually it’s just the same sunset cruises or corporate team building events but one charter that sticks out in my memory occurred several years ago. 
 
I was hired to help a bride and groom escape from their wedding reception and sail off into the sunset. I went by earlier in the day to check out the wedding venue, a posh estate across from University Yacht Club. The beautifully landscaped grounds had signs painted on antique wood with arrows directing guests to “Chapel,” “Reception,” “Rest Rooms,” etc. There was also one on the dock saying “Just Married.”

I was mainly interested in the water depth (we draw 7 feet), channel entrance and navigational issues. A still photographer and videographer planned to be on my sailboat, plus a chase boat circling us, so the whole event would be well documented. I sailed up an hour early to be ready to handle any last minute crises, and while I was waiting, I took the “Just Married” sign off the dock and secured it across the stern of the sailboat. After the bride and groom said their vows they headed down to the dock followed by the entire wedding party. I was seated on the stern of the boat as they started walking out on the dock ramp. 
 
They were lining up single file on the ramp for a photo shoot when I heard a screech of metal, and saw the ramp start to tilt. I yelled “Oh S#it!” and ran for the bow where I had two life preserver cushions on deck. I grabbed them just as the weld holding one side of the ramp let loose and dumped most of the wedding party into the lake. I threw them the two cushions and ran down below to get more. As I jumped from the boat to the dock with arms full of cushions, I snagged a foot on a line and did a face plant! Undaunted, I tossed the cushions and assisted getting people out of the water. We did a head count and confirmed that all 17 were safe and sound, although totally soaked. 
 
The bride, groom, maid of honor and best man had managed to get on the dock with only the lower half of them soaked. They all seemed to think that it was an adventure, and since everyone was OK so did I. I got them to pose in orange life vests, then set sail off into the sunset with the bride and groom on deck and the two cameramen down below. Now these photographers didn’t have a clue about shooting pictures on a sailboat. They’re used to “bride and groom on the altar, guys on the right girls in the left,” so I had them set up with the bride and groom at the helm while we all hid down below so the chase boat could get some good shots, then I put them up on the bowsprit doing “King of the World” from Titanic.
 
The bride also had a beautiful veil about 15 feet long. I had her to stand alone on the bowsprit with the veil draped over her arms waving them very slowly up and down to look like a butterfly. All in all it was a successful evening and everyone was happy with the unexpected adventure.
 
Fast forward two weeks: One of the guests had recorded the whole episode on her phone and it went viral on YouTube. The couple returned home from their honeymoon in Chili and found they were famous and Good Morning America showed the video and interviewed them about the adventure. One of my friends caught it and recognized the big wooden sailboat in the background, so she passed the word to the gang. You can still find it under “wedding disasters” or “wet wedding Georgia lake.”

The bridesmaids are all in pale green, with the wooden boat behind them. In the 30 second clip you see about 2.5 seconds of me running forward to get the cushions and then about three more seconds posing with the bride and groom. This was my 5.5 seconds of fame and all I can think of is next time I’m going to be on Good Morning America, I have to suck in my gut. They say the camera adds 10 pounds, but I’m worried about the extra 50!
 

 
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